Bipolar/E.D. Upswing

•April 7, 2017 • 5 Comments

Not much to say about it, just wanted to point out my swings in mood, attitude and opinion regarding E.D. I was flipping out a couple weeks back.. Full steam Mande: ranting about how hopeless this shit is. Then, I started kind of reaching out, joining a couple E.D. communities on FB, starting 2 of my own.. And slowly my air let out, and I’m somewhat optimistic again.

I do this. I do this with everything. I love Erik, and I hate Erik. I love my job, and I hate my job. I have hope for life, and I hate it here. Even plans! Sounds good in the making, but when the time comes? Breaking sounds so much better. Friendships don’t exist in my world. Toooo much. I know it’s ME, but I view them as a hassle. Plus I hate drama, am somewhat misogynistic, and don’t trust women, anyway.  I digress. *sigh* I am on Wellbutrin (did I ever write that update?? Well, “I’m on Wellbutrin!”– have been since Dec 2016, so going on 5 mos), but it isn’t helping that knee-jerk emotional crap. I still get so hot-headed! Not all the time.. I notice I almost exclusively lose emotional control around period time. And, yes: I still get my period. So, apparently I’m not that underweight:-((((( My BMI was 19.9 last time I weighed myself at the docs(I don’t own a scale. I’m a tape measure- kinda girl. Or bone-checker). Fuck. I know this is the E.D voice whispering to me, but there is such relief in bones. I don’t have to worry about my size if I have bones!!

Oops! Digressing again! OK, so my reason for even writing about my wildly shifting feelings on e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. is that the shift to the overall positive has fully taken hold. I’m ready to embark on a “Love Me”-challenge. I kind of think this swept WP a couple years back. So, yay for those 1-2 of you who will scroll by my page in the “Reader” and stop for a second. Not interesting, keep scrolling. This is more cathartic for me. Good to get it out into the Universe.

Speaking of that.. after I’m done, I need to write down positive intentions and burn it. **Release it** GOAL FOR TODAY.  I’ll try to do it before I b/p.. I WILL DO IT BEFORE I B/P. So, it’s going on 8:30am. Shit. That ever-invasive binge-voice is due to take over soon:-(

Crap. Poop is gone. I’ll do my lil Love Me challenge either later, or tomorrow.

Sobriety Birthday.. plus

•April 1, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I originally sobered up after 7 years of hard, liter/day drunken boozing. 03/10/2008. Two years ago– actually, just shy of my 7 year birthday– I picked up. There is a reason for that: I had inexplicably put on a layer(up about 3 sizes!!). So, feeling at a loss, I turned to what had helped me back in 2001: BOOZE. It helped me in 2001 to get off the bulimarexic train. And, it truly did help me escape the OCD food thoughts. Of course, because I was in a blacked out haze for7 years. I still didn’t eat normally, however I was able to stop the madness of “binging on 30, 000 cal/day, 15-20 hrs /day and being only 82 lbs”. THAT was truly as fucked as I have ever been. So, I applied that “mental relief from booze”-idea to helping with current weight gain. Yeah. Well, THAT was a shit idea. It royally fucked up my marriage by introducing violence. I’m NOT a good drunk, and Erik does NOT try to stop his urges to smack a drunk bitch. So, I was in and out of intermittent drunkenness (“Functioning alcoholic”) for a good year and a half. April 3rd will be my 6 mos sober 1/2birthday! Yay, finally. Helloooo, Wagon. I’m here to stay. At least FOR TODAY ❤

So, I mentioned to a (former) friend my pending milestone, and he said, “I don’t like to congrats people on stuff like that. I am happy you are sober. I don’t want you to feel pressure from me. If you relapse that probably feels more of a disappointment.” Interesting take! How sweet and sensitive of him:-) And it got me thinking…

Coming from the addict, we LUVVV that hard work recognized. And having the idea that we’ll disappoint others is kind of an accountability that can help stay sober. It can be that tipping point to fight when the “Fuck-it’s” kick in. And really, relapse SHOULD make us feel like shit, so as to NOT want to repeat when we are back on that wagon.

HOWEVER……………

I will now do a 180* and say the opposite is true regarding my food addiction!! In that case, I fail after maybe a day or two abstinent, and disappoint SO frequently that I HATE letting anyone know I’m trying. Well, honestly, I do try every day. I wake up optimistic and rearing to go… but i invariably fail within a couple hours. So odd. If I am working, I can go and go… But if I’m home?! Whoa. I become wild-eyed and obsessed. Hideous. Freaking hideous. My (former)friend had written “WHY” is it a big deal to to be bulimic. Why the fight/struggle. Is it such a big deal? Interesting. I’ll say for me: It is the fact that I can’t stop if I want. Zero control over my brain.. I am NOT in the driver’s seat, which tells me there is a monster within. A monster impossible to fight.

Why so hard?! Whyyyy. Maybe because part of me likes it. LOVES it. Besides the yummy factor, there is feel relief to give my body nutrients I’m otherwise depriving it (p.s. no matter what weight. Malnourishment occurs at any size, and your body will nag at you until you give it what it needs.) So, we are back to mental/physical again. I love it (mental) because my body is being satisfied (physical). Super annoying. Well, annoying because why can’t my body just SHUT THE FUCK UP.

So, solution: eat balanced/healthy. Here’s the OCD issue with that: What if I feel hungry (and I will.. my stomach is trashed and gnaws at itself, which I translate to “Feed me.”), then add the control factor. What if a diet of 1200 cal puts weight on? Not like I haven’t gained in one DAY an inch just from a bad purge episode (not getting it all out/ falling asleep and digesting, whathaveyou). But, back to OCD.. back to CONTROL. When I’ve been uncomfortably too ugly-skinny, my method of putting on a little layer is to do just what I described. Keep a little! Take a nice nap! (Naps on carb overload?! Sooooo dreamy. Food coma naps are the best drug.) I guess I’m trying to say this b/p thing is all I know. It is my baseline. Need to lose weight? Increase the “p”. Need to gain weight? Increase the “b”.

Fuck. F.U.C.K. Idontfuckingknow. How do I stop this? It really is convoluted. Or at least, I certainly have made it so.

Ah, food. You naughty lover.

Teeny-Tiny Update

•March 30, 2017 • Leave a Comment

On my RANGE EDA post:

A friend shared it (GOD BLESS HER), and views/reach/whateverthefuck skyrocketed. I honestly have no idea what means what, and it annoys me. On the stats page below, I clicked the post we both shared. Apparently only 30 views.. What’s this “reach” business, then? Blech, all this hassle. Back to “Techno Minefield MADNESS”, I guess. What-EV-ah
RANGE EDA 3.30.17

RANGE EDA 3.30.17-2

p.s. I’m not interested in getting my EDA page all public and popular. I just want this damn message out there. I plan on attending one of the only two meetings in Mpls when I go down over spring break. I’ll spread the word in that meeting. I am 10x more compelling face-to-face:-) Can’t escape my charm and persuasion! …Like a psychopath :-0

Seeds a-Planting…

•March 27, 2017 • 2 Comments

Quick update on my mission (it has become my mission):

My tiny, little FB page is seeing some traffic! I know it is specifically for the Range (Northern MN), however, the post that brought views is the one I posted here two ago, on starting ED support groups. SWEEEEEET business!!! Honestly, seeing that it has reached 36 people– 36 people who now know they are not alone in their frustrations, and empowering them to DO something about it is G.O.L.D.

I’m trying. I’M TRYING ❤ Next step is to be OK’ed by EDA people, set up day/time (I work at a school, and they will allow me to use my room–how cool!), then print some flyers! Just not excited about the prospect of sitting in that room waitingwaiting for no one to show up.The Range people have pretty fixed ideas on how one should be/behave. And tight lips/closed doors is the norm. Guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

 

RANGE EDA.png

OCD-ish

•March 27, 2017 • Leave a Comment

I’m copy/pasting a response I wrote on an article regarding OCD. I liked how SUCCINCT I was! For a rambler, that’s rare. And, I don’t think I have really delved into this aspect too much on my blog. I believe these thoughts are what separates us from BED, btw. More on that if anyone squawks about it;-)

Here it be:

“I know for my particular brand of bulimarexia, that I have very strong OCD thoughts. Pretty foundational is the good food vs bad food. Secondary is caloric allotment (This food has that many cal, and that food has that many cal. “I’m eating too much!” Add. Puke. Subtract. Binge. Add, Puke. Subtract….) Lastly, “OH, did I just touch the counter before touching my cheese?!” :-0 Well, THAT cheese is now in the garbage.. Scrub hands of all those calories….. New cheese.”

I mean, right?! THANKS, Brain.

LET’S HELP OURSELVES!!!

•March 25, 2017 • Leave a Comment

We need to take this bullshit illness and bring it to it’s knees! It is TIME to take action. I know I am so tired of feeling alone in this nightmare. Of not having support groups, of insurance being crap, of NO help ANYWHERE.

 

I’m including a link to EDA.. Check out their meetings list. How many meetings are near you? How many in your STATE, for that matter. Can you count them on one hand? My state of MN has two. TWO. T.W.O. That is not acceptable.

 

How are we going to get help, get in recovery, and STAY in recovery without support?! LET’S HELP OURSELVES by starting EDA groups in our town/city!  I am starting up here on the Iron Range.. My plan is to have a roving site, where our group meets in myriad of cities in the surrounding 50-100 miles or so, then giving the girls there the tools needed to start their own group. Like planting seeds:-)

 

I encourage ALL OF YOU to do the same. ENOUGH of the isolation! Enough hiding! ENOUGH LONELINESS

 

http://www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org/meetings.html

http://www.eatingdisordersanonymous.org/startmeeting.html

Seeds

 

Be Real

•March 10, 2017 • 3 Comments

WHO DOESN’T THINK THEY’LL EVER GET BETTER?! Who caves in every goddamn day, but is kind of glad?? Who kind of DOESN’T CARE?! Be real.

OK, me. I have no hope. It is beyond insanity in my head. I feebly fightfight the binge urge, but binge, anyway. I feel horror (at my failure), but I also feel relief. Relief to not fight the urge anymore (when I “fight”, i’m in both physical and mental anguish). I feel giddy. Giddy because I LOVE the binge foods I get to now stuff myself with for as many hours as I can get them in. The more hours, the better. Start at 7:30am?! SWEEEET, husband won’t be home till suppertime.

So, yeah. Love-Hate. I can handle the mental anguish (I’m in anguish over just existing, for gods sake. Getting over mental dichotomy?? Phfffft, been there, done that), it is the physical that KILLS me. When I resist, my stomach twists up into a burning ball, and my brain translates that into FEED ME. I can’t deal. It is the worst, most  uncomfortable feeling I have ever experienced– and that includes withdrawal from crack, meth, alcohol, and cigarettes. (ahem, I only messed with the hard stuff a handful of times in my 20’s… Food/alcohol turned out to be my DOC.)

Well. enough of that. I just hateHATE reading pieces where the chicks complain a bit, but wrap it up in a Rah! Rah! HOPE!-package. Stupid. In all my treatments, in all my support groups, in all my encounters, I’ve never seen hope for us with eating disorders. I”M TOLD IT.. but I haven’t seen it. ZERO success stories. We are so screwed.  We have fucked our thinking, and will now obsess till we die. Get off the hamster wheel? Lucky you till you fall back in it again. WHICH YOU WILL. God help us all.

Schiz