Not much to say about it, just wanted to point out my swings in mood, attitude and opinion regarding E.D. I was flipping out a couple weeks back.. Full steam Mande: ranting about how hopeless this shit is. Then, I started kind of reaching out, joining a couple E.D. communities on FB, starting 2 of my own.. And slowly my air let out, and I’m somewhat optimistic again.
I do this. I do this with everything. I love Erik, and I hate Erik. I love my job, and I hate my job. I have hope for life, and I hate it here. Even plans! Sounds good in the making, but when the time comes? Breaking sounds so much better. Friendships don’t exist in my world. Toooo much. I know it’s ME, but I view them as a hassle. Plus I hate drama, am somewhat misogynistic, and don’t trust women, anyway. I digress. *sigh* I am on Wellbutrin (did I ever write that update?? Well, “I’m on Wellbutrin!”– have been since Dec 2016, so going on 5 mos), but it isn’t helping that knee-jerk emotional crap. I still get so hot-headed! Not all the time.. I notice I almost exclusively lose emotional control around period time. And, yes: I still get my period. So, apparently I’m not that underweight:-((((( My BMI was 19.9 last time I weighed myself at the docs(I don’t own a scale. I’m a tape measure- kinda girl. Or bone-checker). Fuck. I know this is the E.D voice whispering to me, but there is such relief in bones. I don’t have to worry about my size if I have bones!!
Oops! Digressing again! OK, so my reason for even writing about my wildly shifting feelings on e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. is that the shift to the overall positive has fully taken hold. I’m ready to embark on a “Love Me”-challenge. I kind of think this swept WP a couple years back. So, yay for those 1-2 of you who will scroll by my page in the “Reader” and stop for a second. Not interesting, keep scrolling. This is more cathartic for me. Good to get it out into the Universe.
Speaking of that.. after I’m done, I need to write down positive intentions and burn it. **Release it** GOAL FOR TODAY. I’ll try to do it before I b/p.. I WILL DO IT BEFORE I B/P. So, it’s going on 8:30am. Shit. That ever-invasive binge-voice is due to take over soon:-(
Crap. Poop is gone. I’ll do my lil Love Me challenge either later, or tomorrow.